It’s been a week since Osas died......committed suicide. I’ve been steadily having nightmares; the same one every night. In my dream, I am having sex with Chudi and Osas bleeding away, is staring at us but I can’t stop, I keep going.
I am stretched to the limit with apprehension. There is mention of a suicide note but the family are keeping the contents to themselves. I never got close to his brother/manager Henry. I have called him twice this week but he has neither taken my calls nor acknowledged them. I can’t bear it anymore I need to see Chudi. I need to let off some of this tension.
Chudi is at the perfect age of pleasing a woman. His skills must have now been fine tuned as against the sheer force and frenzy of Osa’s twenty two adrenalin pumping years. I miss Osas and I am worried that my name is going to pop up somewhere soon. I had been supremely cautious with cleaning up my tracks, I just didn’t figure in emotional tracks or psychological tracks and cracks.
I quickly find the flower pot with Chudi’s spare keys. He didn’t hesitate a bit when I suggested we meet. Instead he took over the reins of the planning. I like men eager. When Julius and I first met, I thought he was a gentleman. I realised later that shifting the responsibility of any joint endeavours between he and I to me was just Julius being Julius, noncommittal. Yup, an individual could be married and non committal. When you live with someone like that, over time, he rewires your emotions. You become a complete mess with suspicions and negative self image as constant companions. He is with me but apart from word of mouth, he doesn’t try very much to validate me or my existence in his life. Sometimes I wish he is deliberately cruel, but he isn’t. Julius just doesn’t care beyond what he desires out of life per time. See my predicament?